Quote

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Mines
Mine
Philip
Record
Scratch
Gave
Scratches
Friend
Listened
Records
Glass
Five
Glasses
Hours
Realized

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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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