Quote

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Mines
Mine
Philip
Record
Scratch
Gave
Scratches
Friend
Listened
Records
Glass
Five
Glasses
Hours
Realized

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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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