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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Firsts
Grandmother
First
Democrat
Heart
Dead
Time
Brain
Family
Stills
Still
Ever
Beating

More quotes by Emo Philips

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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips