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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Ever
Beating
Firsts
Grandmother
First
Democrat
Heart
Dead
Time
Brain
Family
Stills
Still

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips