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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
First
Democrat
Heart
Dead
Time
Brain
Family
Stills
Still
Ever
Beating
Firsts
Grandmother
More quotes by Emo Philips
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Emo Philips
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
