Quote

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Time
Brain
Family
Stills
Still
Ever
Beating
Firsts
Grandmother
First
Democrat
Heart
Dead

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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