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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Television
Came
Woman
Didn
Way

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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips