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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Television
Came
Woman
Didn
Way

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips