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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Television
Came
Woman
Didn
Way

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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips