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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Girls
Careers
Girl
Anthropologists
Damn

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips