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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Damn
Girls
Careers
Girl
Anthropologists

More quotes by Emo Philips

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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips