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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wrestling
Reality
Life
Pleased

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips