Quote

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Emo Philips

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Pleased
Wrestling
Reality
Life

More quotes by Emo Philips

Image
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
Image
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
Image
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
Image
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
Image
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
Image
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
Image
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
Image
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
Image
I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
Image
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
Image
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
Image
When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
Image
Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
Emo Philips
Image
Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
Image
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
Image
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
Image
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
Image
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
Image
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips