Quote

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Emo Philips

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Pleased
Wrestling
Reality
Life

More quotes by Emo Philips

Image
Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
Image
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
Image
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
Image
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
Image
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
Image
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
Image
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
Image
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
Image
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
Image
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
Image
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
Image
I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
Image
I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Emo Philips
Image
I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
Image
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
Image
I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
Image
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
Image
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
Image
I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips