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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Reality
Life
Pleased
Wrestling

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips