Quote

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Humor
Told
Mormon
Wonderful
Cups
Funny
Coffee
Wells
Keeps
Well
Benefits
Giving
Drink
Every
Gives

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
Emo Philips
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips