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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wonderful
Cups
Funny
Coffee
Wells
Keeps
Well
Benefits
Giving
Drink
Every
Gives
Like
Humor
Told
Mormon

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips