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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Beautiful
Wanted
Always
Citizen
Loving
Citizens
Humor
Wife
Funny

More quotes by Emo Philips

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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips