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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wanted
Always
Citizen
Loving
Citizens
Humor
Wife
Funny
Beautiful

More quotes by Emo Philips

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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
Emo Philips
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips