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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Loving
Citizens
Humor
Wife
Funny
Beautiful
Wanted
Always
Citizen

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips