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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Always
Inability
Suffered
Complete
Sense
Important

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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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