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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Inability
Suffered
Complete
Sense
Important
Always

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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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