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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Important
Always
Inability
Suffered
Complete
Sense

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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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