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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Important
Always
Inability
Suffered
Complete
Sense

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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