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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Inability
Suffered
Complete
Sense
Important
Always

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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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