Quote

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Never
Moment
Male
Black
Males
Moments
Six
Place
Mercy
Turtleneck
Ever
College
Turtlenecks
Play
Roles
Auditioned
Made
Comedy
Pompous
Mind
Five
Rejected

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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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