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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Nuclear
Countries
Weapons
Tomorrow
Humor
Funny
Making
Country

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips