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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Humor
Funny
Making
Country
Like
Nuclear
Countries
Weapons
Tomorrow

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips