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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Nuclear
Countries
Weapons
Tomorrow
Humor
Funny
Making
Country

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips