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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Tomorrow
Humor
Funny
Making
Country
Like
Nuclear
Countries
Weapons

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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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