Quote

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Whose
Couldn
Bagel
Married
Bagels
Home
Complained
Back
German
Wells
Fault
Well
Sister
Good
Faults

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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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