Quote

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Home
Complained
Back
German
Wells
Fault
Well
Sister
Good
Faults
Whose
Couldn
Bagel
Married
Bagels

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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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