Quote

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Well
Sister
Good
Faults
Whose
Couldn
Bagel
Married
Bagels
Home
Complained
Back
German
Wells
Fault

More quotes by Emo Philips

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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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