Quote

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Fault
Wells
Sister
Well
Good
Faults
Whose
Bagel
Couldn
Bagels
Married
Complained
Home
German
Back

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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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