Quote

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Whose
Couldn
Bagel
Married
Bagels
Home
Complained
Back
German
Fault
Wells
Sister
Well
Faults
Good

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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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