Quote

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Back
German
Wells
Fault
Well
Sister
Good
Faults
Whose
Couldn
Bagel
Married
Bagels
Home
Complained

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips