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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Gray
White
Suits
Kids
Corporate
America
Bunch
Trying
Goodness
Guys
Serious
Guy
Stolid

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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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