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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Happy
Loving
Children
Fortune
Life
Fame
Married
Realize
Realizing
Consolation
Greatest
Prize
Wife
Younger

More quotes by Emo Philips

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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips