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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Arms
Courage
School
Bully
Casts
Beat
Beats
Gave

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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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