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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Bully
Casts
Beat
Beats
Gave
Arms
Courage
School

More quotes by Emo Philips

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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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