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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Bully
Casts
Beat
Beats
Gave
Arms
Courage
School

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips