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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Beats
Gave
Arms
Courage
School
Bully
Casts
Beat

More quotes by Emo Philips

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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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