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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Beats
Gave
Arms
Courage
School
Bully
Casts
Beat

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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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