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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Bully
Casts
Beat
Beats
Gave
Arms
Courage
School

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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Emo Philips