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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
School
Bully
Casts
Beat
Beats
Gave
Arms
Courage

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips