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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Half
Bills
Therapists
Times
Realized
Bucks
Feelings
Dollars
Session
Found
Hundred
Dollar
Ever
Along
Cheer
Much
Bits
Therapy
Would
Went
Pops
Therapist
Feeling
Bill
Strolling

More quotes by Emo Philips

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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips