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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Feeling
Bill
Strolling
Half
Bills
Therapists
Times
Realized
Bucks
Feelings
Dollars
Session
Found
Hundred
Dollar
Ever
Along
Cheer
Much
Bits
Therapy
Would
Went
Pops
Therapist

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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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