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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Feelings
Dollars
Session
Found
Hundred
Dollar
Ever
Along
Cheer
Much
Bits
Therapy
Would
Went
Pops
Therapist
Feeling
Bill
Strolling
Half
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Therapists
Times
Realized
Bucks

More quotes by Emo Philips

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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips