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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Would
Went
Pops
Therapist
Feeling
Bill
Strolling
Half
Bills
Therapists
Times
Realized
Bucks
Feelings
Dollars
Session
Found
Hundred
Dollar
Ever
Along
Cheer
Much
Bits
Therapy

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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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