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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
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Dollars
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Hundred
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Therapists
More quotes by Emo Philips
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips