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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Humor
Funny
Come
Really
People
Emo
More quotes by Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
Emo Philips
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips