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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Come
Really
People
Emo
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips