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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Nuclear
Weapons
Tomorrow
American
Making
Government
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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