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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Making
Government
Like
Nuclear
Weapons
Tomorrow
American

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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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