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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Tomorrow
American
Making
Government
Like
Nuclear
Weapons

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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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