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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Tomorrow
American
Making
Government
Like
Nuclear
Weapons

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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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