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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Nuclear
Weapons
Tomorrow
American
Making
Government

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips