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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Even
Couldn
Streets
Bets
Parents
Placing
Humor
Protective
Parent
Cross
Getting
Crosses
Funny
Excited
Without
Street

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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