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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Play
Hard
Men
Bald
Like
Park
Parks
Chess
Although
Find

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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