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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Play
Hard
Men
Bald
Like
Park
Parks
Chess
Although
Find

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips