Quote

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Emo Philips

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Park
Parks
Chess
Although
Find
Play
Hard
Men
Bald

More quotes by Emo Philips

Image
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
Image
I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
Image
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
Image
I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips
Image
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
Image
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
Image
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
Image
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
Image
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
Image
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
Image
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
Image
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
Image
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
Image
I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
Image
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
Image
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips
Image
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips