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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Find
Play
Hard
Men
Bald
Like
Park
Parks
Chess
Although

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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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