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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Park
Parks
Chess
Although
Find
Play
Hard
Men
Bald

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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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