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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Hiker
Hitch
Picked

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
Emo Philips
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
Emo Philips
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips