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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Lint
Button
Picking
Buttons
Belly
Catholic
Gave
Humor

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips