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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Humor
Funny
Lint
Button
Picking
Buttons
Belly
Catholic
Gave

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips