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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Lent
Surgery
Plastic
Mines
Mine
Friend
Funny
Looks

More quotes by Emo Philips

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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips