Quote

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Emo Philips

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Friend
Funny
Looks
Like
Lent
Surgery
Plastic
Mines
Mine

More quotes by Emo Philips

Image
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
Image
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
Image
I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
Image
I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
Image
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
Image
I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
Image
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Image
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
Image
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
Image
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
Image
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
Image
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
Image
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
Image
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
Image
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
Image
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
Image
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
Image
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
Image
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
Image
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips